Would a list of your relationships include your relationship with YOU? If so, what number would you be?
It’s not uncommon for that relationship to be missing or at the bottom, especially for women. Having been programmed since birth to be a caretaker, do you ensure everyone else is taken care of while leaving you at the gate with little or no time/attention for your needs, let alone desires?
Does choosing you first feel like selfishness at best and heresy at worst while striking fear throughout your body? What if selfish means not letting others influence you? What if your relationship with you is vital not only to your emotional, physical and spiritual health but to the health of all your relationships? Did/do your parents constantly judge, criticize, ignore and/or punish you and your body? Do you constantly treat yourself and your body the same way? Is this also how your spouse/significant other treats you? Are you frequently depressed, exhausted, fearful, confused, overweight, ill and/or out of balance physically and emotionally? Quite a trickle down effect!
What’s Happening Here?
1. Your parents, as your primary role models for relationships, greatly influence your beliefs by how they treat you and each other thus informing how you treat yourself and relate to others.
2. The energy you carry reflects your image of yourself, i.e., victim, unworthy, needy, co-dependent, controlling, confident and secure within yourself. Your energy is a magnet that brings others to you, so if you need to be needed, needy people will be drawn to you, if you’re confident, self-assured people will find you.
Many years ago as I imagined all the men in my life, including my father, lined up next to each other, I realized that while they looked different on the outside, every one was emotionally unavailable on the inside just like my father. When sharing this revelation with my therapist, she revealed we all have antennas that search for and bring us what/who we are looking for. The only way to create a different result is to change the antennas’ programming.
Re-programming Your Antennas
It’s YOUR movie! Being the director and star of your life means choosing you first is your highest priority since this is the only relationship you are in charge of creating. So where do you start?
1. Unconditional love is the major component of a vibrant and fulfilling relationship. Love has no room for judgment, criticism, punishment, neglect or abuse. Frequent use of those behaviors can increase weight and/or cause depression, pain, disorders and illness. Notice how often you use those behaviors toward you and your body, make a concerted effort to stop, then choose more nurturing, loving words and actions to support you rather than tear you down.
2. You always have a choice! What a concept! Frequent use of “should, have to, must, supposed to, need to” reflect the belief of having no choice. Begin noticing when you are using these words and ask, “Who says?” Those words, from parents, teachers, clergy, etc., control and constrict you rather than free and expand you. Do you even recognize you have needs and desires? Ask, “What would my world look like if I created it to work for me?” Write your answers with no limitations. Choose what you’d like to generate in any given situation. This will clarify what will work or not for you. Act on your choice. You can change your choice at any time as nothing is cast in concrete.
3. Give from the overflow, not from depletion. Nurture yourself first by filling your life with quite time and rest, plus activities and people who bring you joy and inspiration. As you begin to exude joy, playfulness and optimism, those around you will be filled and energized from your energy. By not care-taking/fixing, you are giving those around you permission to choose for them! A true win/win!
As you begin choosing for you amazing gifts, people and experiences will abound as more freedom, confidence and creativity unfold within you.
May joy, peace and ease fill your journey!